Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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