I can text with my tongue
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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