I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
