there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
