College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
