You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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