I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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