Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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