fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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