Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This is the high leading the old right now
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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