I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
