saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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