So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
