I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
