then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
