My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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