Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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