I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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