I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
