No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
