my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
