I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
