my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
