Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
