people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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