New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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