I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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