I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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