What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
