He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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