Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
