Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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