Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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