Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
