I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
