A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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