What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
