Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
