I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
