shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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