the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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