In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
