Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
