sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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