Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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