I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
