i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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