I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
