my shit smells like andre
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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