This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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